And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
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