oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
