Whatever, its basically a crime against humanity to miss an andre power hour so she'll get what's coming to her.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
Randomize
