Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
Randomize
