You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
Randomize
