my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
Randomize
