the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
No padding. I spent my whole summer with my nips out. October don't need that too.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
Randomize
