woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
i was born a porn star she said
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
I have a page in my 2010 scrapbook dedicated to pictures of his cock.
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
Randomize
