Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
On the bad side I puked, but on the bright side I puked lettuce which was a new experiance
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
she fell THROUGH the wall. All in all id have to say that my neighbors where pretty chill about it tho.
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
Randomize
