so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
we watched a tutorial on how to do guidette makeup
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
