I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
just put cider in my bong. gotta love fall
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
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