We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
She laid down on my bed and played "I want you to want me" on my laptop. subtle.
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
Randomize
