do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
i wish there was an iPhone app that lets you write a TeXt LiKe tHiS
dude...come out of the closet already
(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
I'm 90% sure a girl here is wearing a bra strap as a headband.
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
Shes 18 and still has a curfew. it was great. didnt have to worry about her still being here in the morning.
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
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