So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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