dude chill. it wont be anything like your seventh grade birthday party.
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
No, i will not have sex with him again. It felt like he was trying to bulldoze his way through me. My vagina is on strike.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
Randomize
