Uggggg i want to leave and get bombed over baghdad
i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations.
wait, do i give off the impression that i DON'T want girls to show me their boobs if i video chat with them?
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
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