Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
I woke up, not remembering how or when or why i was even there and looked over to find Steph spooning with an adult black man.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
Im tired as fuck but i cant leave him here like this i gave him the acid and i feel the responsibillity to put his mind back together its fun im an architect about to about to construct a whole new belief and moral system inside this soul. Talk about the best psychothearpy
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
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