I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
He said he got a lot of action last night. I asked how much? And he said he got to see down her shirt. Freshmen never cease to amaze me.
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Its like Gods punishment for wanting to party
Randomize
