community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
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