The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
I think my vagina is phsycic. All day it tingled and then BAM Channing Tatums look alike fucks me like ive never been fucked in my life.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
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