We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
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