absolutely not. he will always be that kid that threw up a ham and cheese sandwich in fourth grade to me.
you sang the finger bang song from south park while fingering me. needless to say, kind of a turn off.
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Randomize
