Will you blow on my dice?
I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
PS there is a naked boy in my bed and I just left for the bar...
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
