My first STD was from a foam party
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
I'm seeing double. Its like being in a room full of people
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
Randomize
