my room smells like sperm. sweet.
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
I have fb friend requests from two random swedish brothers... Must have something to do with that hostel I stumbled into on mardi gras
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
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