sooooo how many boyfriends is too many?
Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
She walked into class late sat down for 5 min muttered 'oh i cant do this' and walked out. She looked like death.
We should party with her soon
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
Randomize
