Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
Wella between the drunkards, the inevitable slutty costumes, and someone doing a BODY SHOT OFF A PREGNANT GIRL, i lost my halloween spirit. Bah humbug.
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
I think our prof has caught onto our drinking game. He burst into the room with a big smile on his face and yelled "essentially! Essentially! Essentially!"
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
Randomize
