What's the procedure for failed threesomes? Do I friend her on facebook this morning?
How does she give head with a nose like that? It looks like she has a plantain stuck in the middle of her face.
remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
Come on in and take your pants off
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