My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
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