I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
Randomize
