Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
When we talk. Remind me of these topics, photoshop, my bday, threesomes, and cherekee indians. I swear these are real topics...
New topics to add when we talk, sweden, boxing, and the band journey
if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
he turned the pretty ricky playlist on. its about to go down.
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
Randomize
