Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
New drinking game idea: Take a shot for every republican you see on facebook bitching about the ruling.
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
Randomize
