My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
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