Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
i had a headache and asked the kid next to me for aspirin. he gave me esctacy instead. gotta love college.
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
my longitudinal study of the long term effects of sloth and alchol-intake is nearly complete.
so you are graduating this semester.
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
Randomize