I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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