I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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