i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
There's always time for handjobs
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
I got my project done and a booty call in all before 1am. I'm a professional college kid.
he was once again the drunkest girl at the party
I don't care how great the sex was, I cannot unsee what has been seen. I regret ever stalking his Facebook.
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Randomize
