The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
we're chasing vodka with high fives
I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
Randomize
