Full bush! Can't stay! Need ride! Come on bro!
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
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