If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
There is a distinct lack of front teeth here.
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
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