mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
Haha pretty bummed I didn't stay night yesterday after the bj fest you described
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
It's like a party bus, but there's a glass, airtight wall separating the driver from the passengers, and once everyone's on, they pump vaporized THC into the cabin.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
Well, I wish you luck on finding out who your boyfriend is
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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