If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Randomize
