I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
Woke up with a throbbing vagina and a lesbian in my bed. Then for the hell of it we had morning sex. Definitley bisexual now
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
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