i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Randomize
