normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
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