gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
Randomize
