You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
The duggars are the reason premarital sex is ok. Because if you don't have it until marriage you have no self control when it happens. And 19 kids.
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
Randomize
