Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
He had some BAD nuttage
Nuttage?
It's like cleavage......... but different
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Randomize
