just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
I am totally the chick from Intervention who barfs up wine and then re-eats it.
You guys were grinding to YMCA. I knew you were going to hook up with him.
I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
how do you play pong handcuffed?
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
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