I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
New invention idea: vibrating tampons
I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
I don't apprectiate you insinuating that my breasts have a sort of bremuda triangle effect
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
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