so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
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