I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
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