Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
