Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
Randomize
