I'm not saying he was bad at sex, but I'm pretty sure I anti-climaxed.
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
I had to join a gym to keep up with this 22 yr old
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
Randomize
