Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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